Pandora's Wine/Transcript
Emma Leroy: This, and an Instant Pick, please. Brent Leroy: Yeah? You're feelin' lucky? Oscar Leroy: Stupid lottery, waste a money. Emma: My luck has to change sometime. Oscar: What's this? Salsa? We're not buying salsa. Brent: What have you got against salsa? Oscar: Buncha red stuff mixed up in a jar. Could be anything in there. Brent: Dad, it's just a condiment, although the most exotic and mysterious of all condiments. Hank Yarbo: Don't forget about Dijon mustard. That stuff's pretty racy. Oscar: I draw the line at ketchup. Brent: What about relish? Oscar: Gaah! Sure, if you're catering an orgy. Hank: Oh. Here, let me. Brent: Oh. Don't forget your Instant Pic. Hank: You know they call that the idiot tax? Emma: I know. Thanks for carrying the groceries. Hank: Thanks. Lacey Burrows: Where do all my pens go? They're like socks. Hank: What do you mean? Lacey: They disappear like socks when you put them in the wash. Hank: Who puts pens in the wash? Hey, Lacey, you ever won the lottery? Lacey: Yeah. That's why I'm serving you coffee. Hank: Well, OK, maybe you can help me out, then. I'm no good at contests. I mean what if I don't win? Lacey: Not win the lottery. Oh, I don't know. It could happen. Hank: Man, I just want this thing to be over. Lacey: Don't worry. You have a better chance of being hit by lightening. Hank: Thanks. Like I don't have enough to worry about. Davis Quinton: Do you think my shoes look shabby? Wanda Dollard: Are you kidding? They look great. Brent: Yeah. They're completely shab free. Davis: Karen says they look tatty. Karen Pelly: Not tatty, ratty. Brent: I thought she said shabby. Davis: No. I said shabby. Karen: Look, you need new shoes. Davis: My Mom used to say, "If you're gonna spend money, "spend money on new shoes and a new bed, because if you're not in one, you're in the other." Wanda: That is a great idea! Forget the shoes. A new bed is what you want. Brent: Oh, yeah. It's my furniture of choice. The bed is the couch of the bedroom. Davis: Well, food for thought. Not good food. More like marshmallow or beef jerky for thought. Brent: Mind jerky. Wanda: Go for the bed! What are you doin'? Karen: What? Wanda: Don't push the shoe thing, Karen. You're bringin' the whirlwind. Karen: What's the big deal? Why is she being so dramatic? Brent: Because you're bringing the whirlwind. Oscar: What are you doin' buyin' lottery tickets anyways? Throwin' away money on somethin' worthless. Emma: It was for Hank. Oscar: That's even worse, givin' away a perfectly good lottery ticket. Emma: He deserves something for helping me, after your grocery blockade. Lacey: Grocery blockade? Emma: Oscar seems to think there's something lewd about salsa. Lacey: Oh, salsa. Oscar: The stupid lottery never did anyone any good. Lacey: Well, actually, Oscar, the lottery helps support worthy causes like children's hospitals. Doctor: Hey, Timmy. Look what I brought you, a dollar, from some lady who couldn't carry her own groceries. Timmy: Right. One whole dollar from some jackass woman. Lacey: I don't think sick kids use that kind of language. Oscar: They pick it up from the nurses. Brent: Hey, how's my favourite parents? You enjoying your salsa? Lacey: Brent! Emma: Burrito casserole tonight. You should come. Brent: Oh, it'd be a pleasure to eat you out of house and home. Emma: There's lots, Lacey. You come too. Brent: What, you think I need backup? Lacey: I'd love to. Should I bring something? No. Brent: They got forks, plates, you name it. Lacey: Like wine or... Oscar: Don't bother with wine. We got a favourite. Been drinkin' it for 20 years. Lacey: Really? What kind? Oscar: Well, I don't know the name. Emma: It's the one with the bull on the label. Oscar: Seven bucks for three litres. Brent: They're in a bit of a rut. Emma: Oh, this coming from a guy who wears the same shirt every day. Brent: It's a uniform. Oscar: Pardon me if I don't salute. Lacey: Look, if I don't bring wine to this thing, what should I bring? Brent: Low expectations? Lacey: I brought wine. Brent: You are a loose cannon. Lacey: And you are in between me and the food. Karen: How do they feel? Davis: Not too shabby. Steel toe, vulcanized rubber sole. Karen: Those Vulcans. Davis: It's not just logic with them. Ow! Karen: You okay? Davis: Okay, yeah, tiptop. Karen: Do they hurt? Davis: No, no. Aaah! Uh, it's a good hurt. Oscar: That was good wine last night. Maybe Brent was right when he said you were in a rut. Emma: He said "we" were stuck in a rut. Oscar: Well you and him both. Whatever. I'm pickin' up some of this. Emma: What about the stuff with the bull on the label? Oscar: Change is good woman. You gotta stop livin' in the past. Emma: Does that mean we can finally get a digital clock? Oscar: Sure, if you want to blow 800 bucks. Emma: Idiot. Hank: Okay, well, where are the winning numbers? Brent: Near the back. Hank: Oh. 14, 21, minus 5. Brent: That's the weather forecast. Hank: Huh? Oh. See? I didn't win. Brent: I guess that means you won't be paying for that paper. Hank: I only got four of the six numbers. I blew it! Brent: What? Hank, you won! Hank: What? Really? You're kiddin' me! I didn't even get hit by lightening! Brent: Oh. Hank: What? Brent: Looks like a lot of other people have the same numbers. Sorry Hank, you won a grand total of 480 bucks. Hank: What? Are you sure? This is the best day of my life! Brent: Geez, I wouldn't brag about that. Hank: $480! I can't believe it! Oscar: $18! I can't believe it! Lacey: Hey, Hank. I haven't seen you around lately. Hank: Yeah. I'm layin' low. I don't know if you've heard, but my life's been kinda turned upside down. Wanda: Hank won the lottery. Lacey: What? Wanda: Almost a half a thousand dollars. Hank: 480 bucks. Lacey: Oh. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around a number so big. Wanda: If there was such a thing as a 500 dollar bill, this would almost be one. Hank: Lacey didn't think I could do it, said I was better off being killed by lightening. Lacey: I guess I underestimated your skill at random chance. What are you gonna do with that money? Hank: Money, money, money. That's all anyone can talk about. Hey, Lacey, I'm still me, the same old Hank. I'm not suddenly Johnny Moneypants. Wanda: More like Johnny Grubbypants. Hank: You know, I'm not gonna let this change me. Lacey: Johnny Moneypants stiffed me for the coffee. Wanda: Rich people live by a different set of rules. Emma: This is terrible! Oscar: The bull wine was always good enough before. It's good enough now. Emma: But after trying Lacey's stuff, I can't drink this. Oscar: That's 'cause it's terrible. Emma: No more bull wine. Tomorrow you're getting the new stuff. Oscar: The hell I will. It's 18 dollars. Emma: Well, don't blame me. Lacey's bumped us up into a new wine bracket. She's, she's opened our eyes to a whole new world. Oscar: I hate havin' my eyes open. Emma: I wish we were back in the rut. I liked the rut. Oscar: Change is bad! Karen: Are you sure you're okay? Davis: I told you I'm fine. Fit as a fiddle, 23 skidoo. I'm the cat's pyjamas. Karen: You don't look like it, assuming any of those expressions mean feet don't hurt. Davis: The shoes might be a little tight. I just have to break them in. Karen: In the meantime, put on your old ones. Davis: No. Shoes don't break me. I break the shoes. Aah! I just have to make it through this transition period. Karen: But you're hurting your feet. Davis: Flesh grows back. Brent: Well, I don't understand any of this. Emma: It's very simple. Lacey's bumped us out of our old wine bracket. Oscar: It was a good bracket. We liked that bracket. Emma: So, we want you to invite her over for a little brunch. Brent: Well, the sinister aspect of your plan escapes me. Oscar: You invite her over and then we hit her with Emma's nice biscuits. Brent: You're gonna throw biscuits at her? Real mature. Emma: They're good, but they're finicky. They take forever to make. Oscar: Once Lacey tastes them, she won't be able to go back. She'll be in a new biscuit bracket. Brent: Oh. So it's a revenge brunch. You've combined breakfast, lunch and revenge. Very efficient. Oscar: Well, we put some thought into it. Brent: This seems right up Dad's alley but it doesn't sound like you, Ma. Emma: Are you kidding? Our marriage is based on revenge. Oscar: It's kept us together for 35 years. Brent: Well, count me out. Brunch is a powerful tool. I won't see it used for evil. Karen: Go sit in the car and rest your feet. Davis: Don't worry about my feet. My feet are fine. Hey, step away from the car. Kid #1 (Pete): Hi, Officer Davis. Thanks again for coming to our school last week. Davis: I'm not askin' again. Step away from the car, Buddy. Kid #2 (Kate): My name's Kate. Remember? And this is Pete. You signed his cast. Davis: Am I talkin' to you? I'm talkin' to him. You, go stand over there. Pete: You were a lot nicer at school. Kate: It's not his fault. She told him to get new shoes. Karen: They were ratty. Davis: That's enough backtalk. I don't suppose you can show me any receipts for these bikes, huh? Karen: The whirlwind. Brent: Hey, Lacey. Is it something I haven't said yet? Lacey: I heard, through the grapevine, that you didn't want to invite me to brunch. Brent: Oh. And did this grapevine have a green hat and glasses? Because you might be confusing grapevine with nut bar. Lacey: I love brunch, Brent! That is my favourite meal. Well, it's my favourite playful compound word combining the names of two meals. Brent: You don't understand. This wasn't a normal brunch. This was a revenge brunch. They were gonna feed you nice biscuits. Lacey: This is all because I brought that wine, isn't it? You think I'm a loose cannon. Brent: I don't think you're a loose cannon or any other kind of a cannon. Lacey: You know, I just find this petty, petty and kinda crazy. Brent: Oh, really? This coming from a woman who brings nice wine to dinner. Oscar: I dropped a hint to Lacey. The wheels are in motion. And look what I just found, a pen. Emma: A whole pen! Lucky you. Oscar: A pen in the hand is mightier than the bush. Emma: Speaking of luck, I just heard Hank won the lottery, with that ticket you thought was a waste of money. Oscar: Well, thanks for ruinin' my pen moment. Hank's Cousin: Hey, Hank. Hank: Man, I can't go anywhere now without bein' recognized. Wanda: That was your cousin. Hank: Don't get me wrong. I mean the money's a blessing. But it comes at a terrible price. Wanda: Speaking of a terrible price, you still owe late fees on those videos. Hank: Geez, you too, Wanda? Man, everybody wants a piece of me. Wanda: Hank, nobody wants your money. Oscar: Hank, I want your money! Give it back now! Oscar: He stole from me. Hank: All the weirdos are comin' out of the woodwork. I need police protection. Davis: All right! Settle down sir, or I'll take ya both in. Emma: What's up with Davis? It's like somebody talked him into getting new shoes. Karen: That Davis, it's, ah, always somethin'. Davis: All right, that's it! That's it! Emma: He's getting out the cuffs. Karen: Okay, Davis, time out! Just take off the shoes. Step away from the shoes. Lacey: What's goin' on out there, anyway? Brent: I think the whirlwind was just upgraded to cyclone. Lacey: Yeah? Brent: Shoe trouble. Lacey: Oh, you mean Davis's new shoes are making him cranky, so he's takin' it out on the whole town? Brent: That's very good. You're catchin' on. Lacey: Listen, I overreacted to the whole brunch thing. So, just to show there are no hard feelings, I brought you this. Brent: Oh, wow! Marmalade. They take the part of the orange that's normally thrown in the garbage and make it spreadable. Lacey: It's really good. Brent: Well, I'll, I'll try it. But, to be honest, I'm not very big into marmalade. Brent: 13 bucks?! Brent: How'd ya like to come for brunch at my parent's place? Lacey: Really? I'd love to. Oscar: There'll be lotsa food, and you'll get yours. Lacey: Oh, that sounds great. Oscar: Oh, you'll get yours. Brent: Subtle. Want to wring your hands while you do that? Karen: See? Isn't that better? They're comfy, you're happy. Happy feet, happy cop. Happy cop, happy town. Davis: Here, you drive. Karen: Really? Davis: I can't even master a pair of shoes. How can I be expected to drive a car? Karen: Grumpy Davis, Karen drives. Emma: There. They nearly killed me. Oscar: Oh! Brent: Revenge is a brunch best served with nice biscuits. Emma: An expensive ham and fillet mignon and French champagne. Oscar: Don't forget the lobsters. Creepy buggers cost me a fortune. Emma: Does look good. You said Lacey would be here by 11:00, right? Brent: Yeah. She's, uh, she's a little late. Oscar: Sure looks good. Davis: I failed. I should have beat the shoes, but the shoes beat me. Karen: It just didn't work out this time. There'll be other shoes. Davis: I'm not the man I was, Karen. I think it's starting to affect my job performance. Karen: Yeah, I kinda noticed that. Hank: Hmm. Yeah, this lottery win has been nothin' but trouble. Wanda: It's a blood sport. I don't know. Maybe you should give the money away. Like Benjamin Franklin said, "Discontentment makes rich men poor." Hank: Benjamin Franklin? He got struck by lightening. Oh, Lacey's gotta love that. Wanda: Okay. Let me try and express myself more clearly. Remember the Smurfs? Hank: Yeah. Who doesn't? Wanda: Did they have a lot of money? Hank: No. Wanda: Yet, they were very happy. Hank: Yeah, you're right, Wanda. I need to use this money to help other people, like the Smurfs. Wanda: Exactly. Uh? Now be a good Smurf and pay your late fees. Brent: Oh, great. Now I'm hooked on prosciutto and I don't even know what it is. Emma: Lacey screwed us again. Lacey: Knock, knock. Hey, everyone. You ate without me? Brent: Well, don't get mad. It's your fault. Lacey: My fault? I come for dinner and bring something nice. For that I get snubbed for brunch. Then, I buy nice jam. So I get invited to brunch and when I get here, you've eaten all the food. Brent: Yeah. I hope you're proud of yourself. Oscar: You were late. Lacey: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't write down the time. People keep takin' my pens. Oscar: Hey, finders keepers, Losey Suzie. Brent: Yeah, that's how that goes. Lacey: Well, is there anything to eat? Emma: There's some frozen meatloaf. Lacey: Ah, well, I'll try it. But, to be honest, I'm not really big on meatloaf. Mmm. Mmm. This meatloaf is delicious. I'm hooked. Emma: Great. That's the cheapest, easiest thing we know how to make. Brent: I'm gonna order some marmalade. Lacey: Is there any more? Emma: Heat it yourself. Karen: Suit up. Davis: What? Oh, I can't. Karen: You heard me. Lace 'em. Davis: No. I'm too weak. Karen: I'm your partner, Davis. I'm supposed to back you up. But I let you down. Now, I'm gonna make things right. Here's the shoe horn. Use it. Davis: Oh, I, I don't know. Karen: Come on. Let's show these shoes who wears the pants. Davis: They make me cranky. Karen: I got your back. Davis: Hey! No open liquor within town limits. Brian (Older Man): But it's only cola. Karen: Up off the blanket, sir. Davis: Aah, oh! Oh! Karen: Break the shoe, Davis. Break the shoe! Lacey: Thanks again for that meatloaf recipe. I am saving all kinds of money. Emma: Rub it in, why don't ya. Hank: Hey, guys. Listen, I, uh, I know my lottery win has kinda put up some walls between us. So I decided to use my money and say thank you to some of my friends. Lacey: Oh. That is so sweet. Oscar: What do ya mean, your money? Brent: What is this, chocolate? Hank: Yeah. I know you guys have been into food lately and that's some premium stuff. So you can serve it at your next dinner party. And yes I am available. Brent: The last thing I need is to get bumped up to a new chocolate bracket. Emma: Thanks, but no thanks. Oscar: Nice try, smart ass. Hank: What the...? Lacey: A pen. Thanks, Hank. Well, this has been the best week, huh, guys? Davis: Hey, Kate, hey Pete. I see your arm's outta the cast. Karen: You seem different. Have you gone back to the old shoes? Davis: Still wearin' the new ones. Guess I broke 'em in. Karen: I knew you could do it. See? It was no big thing. Hank: Hey, guys. I'm givin' presents to my friends. Karen: We haven't seen them. Hank: No, you guys. Lottery winnings. I'm spreadin' the wealth. Davis: All right! Hank: Heard you were lookin' for new shoes. Surprise! Davis: No way! I can't do it again. Take 'em back. Hank: Man, this Ben Franklin thing's tankin'. Karen: Davis, you can't throw a gift back in someone's face. Hank's just being... Hank: Hope they fit. Karen: Oh. Thanks. Davis: Do they hurt? Karen: I'm fine. Davis: New shoes, grumpy Karen. Hank: At least Lacey likes her gift. In a way that makes it all worthwhile. Lacey: Hey, Hank. Thanks a lot for the pen. Refills cost like 15 bucks. But it glides across the page and now I can't go back to ballpoint. I'm screwed. Brent: You're right. That does make it all worthwhile. Hank: That Ben Franklin guy was crazy. Brent: Lightning will do that to ya. Category:Transcripts